Acknowledgement of a problem

It's hard to say I have found myself yearning again for something more fulfilling than what I'm having right now. Don't get me wrong. A truth is that my life is going well. But, another truth is that I'm not genuinely happy or satisfied. I'm feeling unfulfilled. I go to bed every night feeling ... incomplete. And this incompleteness makes me ungrateful to the point where I'm not taking the full advantage of what life is about. I found myself waking up each day going through the motion like the endless crushing and retreating of cold, unexceptionable waves. My life lacks depth and excitement to the point where I'm considering adding a tattoo on my body just so... it's a tattoo. On an area of an unsatisfied flesh. I'm trying to fill the minuscule holes on my body with black ink to create a story, whose meaning is lost to the soul that inhabits the body. I'm finding it just a bit harder every day to do my jobs- student, researcher, and counselor. I have yet to be fired from any of them. I have yet to really ask myself what I really want to get out of each of them. I'm very, very afraid.

Tornado of thoughts

In resilience class, we learned something interesting, useful, and insightful: tornado thoughts. In clinical psychology, this can be called a cognitive distortion: catastrophic thinking or catastrophizing. Just one bad thought after another snowballed into a bottomless pit of worries, fears, anxieties, dreads,and sadness,all of which reflecting our primary thinking error: that we must be loved, approved, and appreciated by others in order to love ourselves.

I had a moment of panic a while ago by doing something for the first time. Taking the first legitimate step. Putting myself out there, daring to hope for what I want. Bracing myself for disappointment.

But I'm not going to fall into that tornado of thoughts. Not this time. Whatever happens will happen. It will simply mean there's been a change of plan. Again.

it is a wonder that I have not given up on living considering that I'm easily depressed by sad news. Fortunately, great empathy reflects my ability to also absorb in good news, fun news, exciting news, and hopeful news.It is really a matter of perception for the struggle between light and darkness is a mere fallacy that which is perpetuated by human ignorance. Or human's best observation in light of progress toward perfection. Or human's worst fiction as shadowed by the chaos out of which no order can maintain longevity.

I think the struggle itself is more like waves...ups and downs,creeping in and pulling out of the shores. The struggle is not a struggle but a necessity. A flow of all things that will eventually end. A kind of motion that is constant until it is not longer in motion. And we must not fear but be thankful for the dance of light and shadow since without which stillness or dead silence will rise in abundance. Imagine nothingness. what a sad universe that would be.

So i'm grateful to feel the highs and lows. I'm so bitter. I'm also very confused. Yet also driven to discover. I'm a cell of a healthy universe. I'm one part god and other part fallen. I'm you with a different twist. I'm me that is unique. I'm a mimicry of a failed experiment. I'm a re-creation of your alternate decisions. I am nothing without you to notice my existence. I'm a product of your imagination. I'm not understood, but I am known. I'm unheard of but familiar. I am many things. I am one thing. I am here for another day. Just like you, perhaps tomorrow and the next day.

skipping classes and chasing CB

Here's how i see it:

If you don't like going to class, don't go to it. Stay home and really be at home. Then you'll appreciate going to class and seeing people.

Or just grow up and do the daily grind like other students.

Or just live. Be present. Show up to your responsibilities with presence and awareness.

Or make some new changes.

or it's your life so you can live however the hell you want.

Tv shows, game, internet, and music. They have a way to fooling you that you're not alone. They have a way to synthesize emotional closeness, a sense of bond, and companionship for a short while. They can also shorten days and speed up nights to make sure your eyes, your mind, your heart, all those things never know what's missing from your life. Only the stark silence tells you that you're ultimately alone even when you're connected to a network, even when you might be doing the same thing, watching the same show, listening to same to song online at the exact moment as someone else. But perhaps we're not alone, but just far apart. We just have no way of knowing so.

I think
It's funny that the weight
increases as the distance is distancing
like waves painting footsteps ashore
and I'm breathless amidst the storm
every little raindrop seems to dry
the very sky that sheds them
and love's supposed to hurt,
not kill in its absence.

What does game say about me...

Dear Life,
I feel that i take winning game too seriously. I found myself often relying on my cunning self which i'm starting to think that my innate intelligence is cunningness(it's not a word? the spell-check suggested cunnilingus which would be ironic).

Quite often i find myself getting either too serious or involved as i would begin to feel agitated if people move slow, I would order people what to do in their turn, i would be just very defensive or accusatory, and i would actually feel mad enough to plot revenge for next move. I feel that I get too personal while telling others "it's just a game". I just don't want to lose. And I just hate it when people make me feel bad or guilty when I win. I want people to understand that.

I wonder what I could do differently next time. Today's game with Baylen and co. was very interesting. I could see I repeated a pattern and became a person in someone's eyes that I never want to be. I really wonder what could be different next time.

Parts of us we don't want to be true...

As I'm putting bits and pieces of myself together
I discover some aspects that I'd rather forget
Like loneliness once a year every year during Vday

But for every price you pay for singularity
you gain independence and reassurance of yourself
it's like expanding definition, stretching who you are

And it's not about looking at the bright side
Or masking or hiding or denying the longings
like loneliness once a year ever year during Vday

It's a discovery of the parts of us we rather
not know to be true, in existence deep inside
the other side of the heart along side love

But for every price you pay for singularity
you gain independence and reassurance of yourself
it's like expanding definition, stretching who you are...but to what limit?