From however little I know about the behavior of myself, I think due to some extent my cognitive dysfunction as in imagining out loud to myself what people might say about me can be accounted for the fact that I, unknowingly, form this unhelpful habit to reaffirm the seriousness of the situation by making myself feel because nothing makes you remember than a stinging feeling of sadness, inferiority, loneliness, incompetent, and what have you.

Perhaps this is a part of the introspection journey handed down to me. Perhaps it was one way my super ego tries to make me better by being critical and exploiting my own imagination.

It begins to become a lot clearer now as I understand more what lie ahead for me. Awaiting along this road of self-discovery is a 1 ton perfectionist superego sitting on a high-rise throne thinking foolishly that perfection exists and that the only way to achieve it is to be constantly critical, setting high expectations, and scrutinizing painfully until "the lesson is learned". It makes a big deal out of mistakes which is okay but equating that inability to avoid mistake as part of unworthiness of self is not. This superego has a lot to learn.

Wanting to be good and better is a part of the flaw in my design I guess. It stings a bit to know you could have done a better job at something. And that's me. My plan would be to navigate through these thorns and reclaim the throne by being skillful in letting go, moving on, and laughing at the blunders and mishaps happening all around. I feel deeper now the meaning of this too shall pass.